Kismet

It took my boys' teacher posting to me yesterday for me to realize I had forgotten yesterday to write about a really super duper important thing! Reflections!

On Wednesday I had visit teaching scheduled with two of our sisters at 1:45 and 2:15. Our 1:45 sister wasn't there, turns out she thought I had her scheduled for 2:45. We needed to reschedule to the next day and both my companion and I thought oh sure we have nothing going Thursday afternoon.

Thursday afternoon early my companion calls and says "Oh no I just realized the reflections assembly is this afternoon at 2:00". Incidentally we rescheduled our sister for 2:00. Normally the organizer of reflections will call ahead to those children's parents who have won in their category to make sure the parents are at the assembly. Neither my companion nor I had heard anything but we wanted to go and support our children anyway.

And boy was it good we decided to go!

Turns out both my boys won for their entries! And my friends children also won many awards. It was a great assembly - much better done than any reflections assembly I've been to in the past (thanks to my boys' teacher Mrs. Warner - who rocks!).

I think it was meant to be that our visit teaching sister mistook the appointment time so we had to reschedule or else I wouldn't have talked with Malece (my companion) Thursday afternoon and never would have known about the assembly (because I had forgotten to put it on the calendar). I was happy to be there, not only because my boys won and that's always exciting, but because they participated and I was so proud of them.

Charlie in particular is not a participator. He would like to slide through life not really trying at much. Reflections makes him TRY. Of course, that's exactly what I like about it! And it's a wonderful program because it rewards him just for participating even if he doesn't win. It's a wonderful boon when he gets the joy of participating AND he wins something! The boys got trophies with their names on them even and that's a big, big deal when you're a seven year old boy!

So I'm grateful for the way things happened. And so, as a proud mom, I'll share my boys' stories with you ...

I Can Make a Difference by Making People Feel Better and Standing Up For Them
~ based on a True Story ~
by Xander Cross

One time, there was a boy named Martin who bullied me. I ran home from my bully. I heard a scream! I turned around and there was my bully getting bit by another boy.

I could have let that boy beat up Martin because maybe he deserved it. But I knew I had to stand up for him.

So I said “Leave him alone or else I'll tell the Principle.”

The boy stopped and he never bugged him again. After that, Martin and I were best friends.

I Can Make A Difference by Helping My Family

~ a True Story ~
by Charlie Cross

One day my Dad had a whole pile of gravel he needed to shovel off of our patio. My whole family helped, but my Mom and my brother gave up after a while. But I didn't give up. It was hard work, but I kept at it because I wanted to help my Dad.

My Dad has a bad heart so shoveling was hard for him. I like working with my Dad because when he is so sick and tired I just like to help. I had to shovel for three hours and it was really hot outside. I got the work done with my Dad and it felt good.

I felt very proud of myself because I accomplished something hard and my Dad needed me. He needed me so we could get the work done. My family was very proud of me and very grateful for the work I did. I can make a difference by helping my family.

Two Things ...

First of all, you get to enjoy my fabulous drawing, because I want to share with you what I learned at my son Xander's urology appointment this morning. Lucky you!

Xan is 7 years old and has never had a dry night in his life. And he's often wet during the day. After trying training charts and various other things with the pediatrician, it was time to hire the big guns and see the urologist.

I thought for sure that there must be something 'wrong' with Xan because he claims he just can't feel it when he needs to go pee. How can he not? I thought he was totally pulling my leg.

Turns out that's exactly what's happening. Huh. Check this out:
In a normal person, your bladder gets full and tells your brain "It's time to go!", your brain listens and sends the message to the little sphincter guy that he can let lose and off you go. However, in many kids (the busy active ones who can't take a minute to dash to the bathroom - like mine) the bladder sends the message but the brain ignores it. After lots of ignoring, the sphincter is getting awfully of tired of stemming the tide so to speak and just can't help but let go. Hence, peeing in the pants.

So now Xan gets to wear a vibrating training watch to help him remember to go every two hours whether he feels like it or not. In four weeks or so we'll go back and hopefully be able to report that he has successfully retrained his brain to listen when his bladder speaks. Wish us luck!



The second thing is that I finally ordered our Christmas cards today. We weren't happy with our family picture this year so we were going to reshoot but we ended up not having any time. Bummer. But I thought I'd share with you anyway, the picture we ended up using ...



This is David, me, Xander (the shorter one) and Charlie, both 7 years old. Don't love the picture, but love the people!!

A Different Christmas Poem

By Michael Marks

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.

A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"

For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."

"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.

Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

This Just Cracks Me Up ...

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

I was over at Candace's blog and she's a Sunset. So on whim I tried it out and got this ... I'm Midnight. And let me tell ya'll ... it's PERFECT FOR ME! This is so me, it's the closest little blogthing I've ever read about myself. How do they do that with those few questions?

If you ever wondered who I was (not like I don't pretty much just tell ya ... after all I AM a smorgasbord, right?) well ... this should sum it pretty well!

It's That Time of Year Again ...

One of the things I've been up to lately is pictures, pictures, pictures. I started my own photography business oh about 6 or 7 years ago (it's too much of a brain strain to figure out just how long, lol!). It took me a while to get it going, but once it did it really started to take off. Too fast.

I had to decide whether I was a business woman or a mom. So I scaled things way back and said no to some jobs and took a big risk with my fledgling business. Turns out saying no was the worst thing I could do for my business but the best thing for my sanity and especially for my family.

I am first, and foremost a mom and a wife. Anything and everything else comes second. And while it hurt my business, yes, now my business is really just where I want it to be. I do a maybe a shoot a month or so and really, that's just fine with me. Just enough to give me something fun to do, a little bit of something different, but not so much that it stresses me out and turns a fun thing into an unhappy thing.

This is a family who's order I just put in today:



I do really enjoy photography. I love getting out and spending time with people, helping them capture a moment to remember. I love giving them something they can be proud to display on their wall. This family was very happy to get this picture ... their little girl screamed the whole time despite my best efforts so they were happy with this at-least-not-crying-at-this-moment shot.

Most of all I love being a mom. I love that I am blessed with talents and interests that keep life exciting, but I hope never to forget what is really important ... family.

Wo.

Has it really been a week since I last wrote? Shame on me.

I don't have any really good excuses either, other than I just haven't been on my computer much this week. And not because I was enjoying lots of time with family and friends over the holiday. More because I was busy Christmas shopping and taking care of sick family members.

The good news is the children are on the mend (hubby is still sick) but the bad news is I spent too much money. Darn it. I just want to be a millionaire and be able to spoil everyone the way I wish I could. I'm going to have to take some stuff back. Normally I shop with cash, this time I went out with my debit card. Naughty, naughty debit card. Well that and I'm not good at math on the fly.

Math and time.

I'll go out shopping with a total dollar amount I'm allowed to spend and while I'm shopping I'll *try* to add it up in my head as I go along. The problem is, I'll miss some little things along the way. Don't ask me what, but those little things add up!

Same with time. I'll look at the clock and I have fifteen minutes until I need to be some where. It only takes me five minutes to get there so that leaves me ten whole minutes to do something else. I'll look at the clock I *swear* two minutes later and it's already been fifteen minutes. And somehow in my figuring I forget that I need to go to the bathroom, get on my coat, get a bottle of water, grab my keys, put the dog in his crate, put on my shoes (unless I wear my slippers like I did a week ago to a doctors appointment! oops!) and get in my car. Whew! All of that would probably take the ten minutes I *thought* I had extra! Crazy! I can spend money and time like I have all of it in the world.

I would really like to write a new post every other day. That's a good goal, isn't it? So if you'll route for me, I'll try to give you something new to read on Tuesday. Deal?

In the meantime, why not tell me what you wish you had more of. Are you like me and wish you had more money and time? Do you wish for more love? More friends? Talents? It would be fun and interesting to talk about it, so lay it on me! And ... thanks for being patient with me when I drop off the face of the earth!

My BFF

This weekend I got to do something new and different ... had a 'girlfriend date'! My BFF Sheri flew down from Boise, we had dinner together, spent the night at a hotel and talked till the wee hours of the morning and then shopped all day Saturday until I had to take her back to the airport.

The wonderful thing about Sheri and our friendship, is that it's not about the shopping and eating. It's all about the talking. And the wonderful thing about talking with Sher is that she always lifts me up. She sends me home with a new plan, feeling like I can handle my life, and do it better than before.

Our time together is never spent husband-bashing - we long ago agreed that we would never build up our marriages by cutting our men down - nor do we gossip or spend any time at all, really, talking about other people. Instead we talk about our children and help each other with problems we are facing. Or we talk about what we like about ourselves and each other and help each other find ways to improve that things that bother us.

Here's a pic I took of Sher a few years ago ... isn't she beautiful? Inside and out.

Live ... by love

I stumbled upon the most wonderful quote today that I just had to share with you.

The poet Robert Browning said,

“There is an answer to the passionate longings of the heart for fullness, and I knew it, and the answer is this: Live in all things outside yourself by love, and you will have joy. That is the life of God; it ought to be our life. In him it is accomplished and perfect; but in all created things it is a lesson learned slowly and through difficulty.”

Isn't that lovely?

To live by love is to have joy. I can really only think of one thing that means and that is the pure love of Christ, or charity. Jesus embodied charity in his love of all mankind and his endless service on our behalf. I am no expert on charity, being an inherently selfish person, but I do know that when I have looked outside of myself to serve another, my own problems swiftly dimmed in importance and I felt better about my ability to overcome them.

When in Doubt ... Go With a BlogThing

You Are a Chimera

You are very outgoing and well connected to many people. Incredibly devoted to your family and friends, you find purpose in nurturing others. You are rarely alone, and you do best in the company of others. You are incredibly expressive, and people are sometimes overwhelmed by your strong emotions.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

Sorry guys, I've been WAY busy. Yikes! And now I find myself with probably too much to say that I don't know what to say at all. So I'll go with the Mystical Creature Thing instead. :)

I don't know about "very outgoing" but I am outgoing to a degree. I am well connected to a lot of people. At least, I am at times. Friendships and connections take time and effort and there are times when I let those connections slip. They are too valuable to let go altogether though. Got to work on that.

Hmm, I don't know about the "rarely alone and do best in the company of others." I like my alone-self. She's my friend and it's nice to spend time with her.

I am very devoted to my family and friends and it does make me happy if I can cheer them a little and lift their spirits. So I think that's probably accurate.

Yep, expressive and a bit overwhelming ... that's me. In singing it has been a benefit: I had a gift for expressing feelings through music. It was cathartic for me too ... without it, I feel a bit stagnated. Must. Find. Forms. Of. Expression. Maybe my emotions are a bit overwhelming for ME??

Anyway, thanks for visiting this past week even though I was in absentia. I appreciate you guys! You make me feel loved!

Random Thoughts

Wo! I've been tagged a lot lately and I haven't been playing very well. BUT Jen gave me an easy assignment I think I can do right now, though my stuff will surely not be as interesting as Jens'! Can you believe she graduated high school at 15? With a GPA of 4.0???!!! WOW.

Anyhow ... 7 Random Things about me are:

1. I can do tongue tricks :) I can roll my tongue lengthwise, fold it in half (without holding it with my teeth) and I'm working on learning how to do that funky clover-leaf fold. I have lofty goals, don't I?

2. I never dated my husband before I became engaged to him. And NO ours is not an arranged marriage; at least not in the traditional sense. ;) A-ha! Now I've piqued your interest, haven't I? Something to blog about another day :)

3. I used to be involved in the occult and used crystals to meditate, sometimes doing healings with them or divining answers to questions. It was all very complicated and DRAMATIC. I don't do those things anymore though, preferring the Spirit as a way to glean the answers to my lifes' questions.

4. I am obsessed with the smell of a tree. There is a particular tree, I believe it is the cottonwood tree, that when it's seeds are dropping, it smells soooo good. I'll just stand and drink in the smell. It is my most favorite smell in the world and can you believe I don't have any of those trees in my yard? It's smell gives me such pleasure, I really ought to have it near by!

5. I cannot read a book more than once, unless it is a truly remarkable book. In truth, I've only ever been able to read two books more than once ... The Book of Mormon and a trilogy by Guy Gavriel Kay called The Fionavar Tapestsry.

6. I'm terrified to wax my upper lip, but I think it's time, if you know what I mean.

7. In my minds' eye I am a really cool karate chick who can kick anyones butt. I think Cynthia Rothrock, well ... rocks!

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I have no idea how I ever got this song into my head because I am not a Ren & Stimy fan. BUT, whenever I'm really, really happy THIS is the song that comes to mind. I told you, despite my humungeous repertoire of beautiful music it's the banal and simple things that linger the longest and spring most readily to mind. I guess that proves it. I AM simple. Anyway, I always think of this little song "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" when I'm happy. And, well. I'm happy. Hence, the song.

I'm happy because I am now an official blogger for LDSBlogs.com! My topic is happiness, which could not be more perfect for me. I'm all about the pursuit of happiness and can't think of a better way to spend my time but learning all about the different ways to be happy. Truly happy, that is. Joy. Not the fake stuff you can manufacture by watching a funny T.V. show, or taking recreational drugs (not that I do that, I'm just sayin'). But honest-to-goodness, life is sweet, kind of happiness.

I hope you'll come by every day to LDSBlogs.com to check out my articles on happiness. I truly hope that I'll be able to offer something to uplift you, something to make you think, and real, practical ways to get you singing the Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy song.


Happiness at LDSBlogs.com

A Good Balance

You Are 40% Extrovert, 60% Introvert

You're a bit outgoing, a bit reserved Like most people, you enjoy being social But you also value the time you have alone You have struck a good balance!

Are You An Extrovert or An Introvert?

I think this is very true to who I am. I am a little of both; I can put on a good front if I have to, enjoy being with the crowd and generally feel okay about it. But I love to have time to myself. I love, love, love it. I love to read, to write, just to think. I love to have the time - and the privacy - to dance around my house like a crazy person, something I do far too rarely which is a bad thing because it lets my crazy build up. *U*

I do sometimes regret that I'm not more confident and carefree out in public. But oh well, what can you do, eh? At least I do have balance, and while somewhat skewed to one side, it is a good balance nonetheless.

No Need for Suffering

Occasionally I feel lost, spiritually lost. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen regularly; regularly enough that I've come to recognize it when it begins. It starts out with lots of negative self talk, particularly directed toward the Church and my Faith. I am bad and haven't fully repented of past sins. I am selfish and only do good things for the recognition I will get. I am not humble, kind, virtuous. I am not worthy of my Heavenly Father's love and so He doesn't listen when I pray. I cannot feel the Spirit because I am not worthy. People don't like me. On and on it goes.

Normally when this happens I'll fall into a sort of depression where I push everyone away and am unreachable. I will even push God away. I would say it's not me pushing him away, but just accepting the truth of my situation which is that I am Unloved. Unlovable.

This time when it came upon me, however, it was impossible to retreat inside myself. The women in my Young Women's Presidency wouldn't let me get off quite so easily. They actually care about me. And because they see me regularly, they could tell something was wrong. I tried to downplay it, say it was nothing, but then I realized I needed help. So this time, when the feelings began I decided to do something about it, to not just be a passive observer of my life, but to be proactive.

I began to journal specifically about how I was feeling and what efforts I was making to help myself. I told my YW leader friends. I asked the Bishop for help. I got a blessing from David. I prayed, even though praying was the last thing I wanted to do.

The sweet part is, I did get the help I was seeking and that I so needed. I received sincere and heartfelt love and care from my friends. The Bishop responded with uplifting and encouraging words and a few Church talks he thought would guide me in the right direction. Heavenly Father responded by prompting me with ideas of what I could do to further help myself. I responded by keeping my heart and mind open to the outpouring of love and inspiration I was being given.

I was doing much better than normal in dealing with this trial, but was still not feeling the Spirit in the way I normally do. I was still fighting an internal feeling of sadness and loneliness. Until one day when my husband handed me a Time magazine article about Mother Teresa entitled "The Secret Life of Mother Teresa". He said with astonishment "I think she felt just like you feel now!" I read the article with rapt attention. Though I am no Mother Teresa, sure enough her words of "Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear." rang very true with me.


Did you know that for most of her adult life Mother Teresa did not feel like God was hearing her prayers? She never thought He had abandoned her, but rather that she was not worthy of him. I read it with my mouth hanging open. How can such a woman, so faithful, so charitable, ever possibly feel she was not worthy of her Father's love? She said she wanted her letters burned, but I am so grateful they were not. Because of her suffering my eyes were opened. I was not alone in what I perceived to be my separation from God, though I could see while looking objectively at Mother Teresa that God would never abandon a child who was honestly seeking Him. That revelation began to change my heart.

I also read a scripture in Jacob right around the same time I read that article and between the two I feel like I have really learned something of value. The scripture is Jacob 3:1-2 and it says:

"But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God
with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console
you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those
who seek your destruction.

O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God,
and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever."

I learned that whatever else is going on, whatever I might feel, that God is constant and I need to be firm in my remembrance of that fact and know that if I am going forth doing good, seeking always to be faithful and obedient, never doubting that God is true and faithful, all will be well. I learned from Mother Teresa that I may not always be filled with the Spirit, but that does not mean I am being punished. Be firm in mind and pure of heart and I'm sure all will be well. After all, you and I know that a woman like Mother Teresa cannot fail to find her rest at Jesus' side. Now, I'm not Mother Teresa, but I can certainly learn from her suffering, from her example, and I intend to.

What I've been up to lately ...

I am finally resurfacing, a bit, and thought I'd share with you what I've been doing. I am a photographer, I even have my own little business; A Work of Heart Photography. However, I don't work too much, both by choice and by happenstance. I have a real love/hate relationship with my photography work. I tend to be a bit obsessive compulsive (har dee har a bit) and so when I'm working I'm W-O-R-K-I-N-G and all else goes to pot. I do detailed editing on each and every pic - well, at least all those that I think are worthy, lol, which is sometimes a lot, sometimes depressingly few. I try though, boy, do I try.

Anyway, this is a little sampling of what I've been up to this past week or so. I did all the photography, all the graphics work. I'm not sure if this is the final product yet, the bride hasn't said yay or nay yet ... but as of last night this was the direction they were going. Obviously, I had to blot out the personal info :)

The Invitation ...

The Ring Ceremony Card ...

The Sealing Card ...

Personal Update

I don't normally post just outright updates about my life. You know, the day to day stuff. Don't know why ... I guess because I figure it's not that interesting to most people. But I haven't done a good job at responding to some great comments people have recently left me and I'm feeling numb and sad and need to share.

That said, this is a total personal thing and so you are warned if that's not your thing.

David (my husband, who had open heart surgery almost three years ago to replace a heart valve and repair his torn aorta) had his yearly echo cardiogram and he asked me to come with him because he feared he might not get a clean check up. He's not been feeling well and he's lost some weight which are worry-signs for heart patients. Looks like his mechanical aortic valve might be leaking. I say 'looks like' and 'might be' because an external echo is not a sure-fire diagnostic tool and if it's leaking there is cause for great concern so they don't go into this lightly. While we waited a Marfans specialist at the hospital was contacted and plans for a transophogial (not sure on the spelling) cardiogram were made. We'll get the details tomorrow. They are hurrying - testing needs to be done in the next day or two. David is to take it easy because if the valve is not functioning properly then he is at risk for a heart attack. No karate, low stress, no carrying the boys, that sort of thing. I am worried, but of course trying to be brave. Whatever this is, IF it is anything, is totally fixable. I guess I'm just finally coming to realize that I am married to a man who is not well and will always have health struggles - big ones to boot. Anyway, more on that later.

Then this evening we got the results of my MIL's CT scans: She does have bone cancer and it is rampant. It is everywhere, her skull, her shoulders, her ribs, her arms, her hips and one leg. They are not treating the cancer, only the pain. They have alluded to the strong likelihood that it has already spread to her organs, thus the decision to treat the pain and not the disease. Not sure how much time she has, bless her but she and my FIL seem to have asked precious few questions.

She is 79 years old and such a good hearted, precious woman. I am heartsick.

Just as an FYI, so you know where my heart is, I lost my own mom to cancer when I was 19. My Dad also died of cancer a few years later. My sister and I nursed my mom at home until her death in her own bedroom. I know a lot about death by cancer and I'm just so sad for my MIL. My prayer is that the disease is so far gone that it will take her quickly. That may seem harsh, but I swear to you it isn't. If you've been there, you know it isn't. It would be the best thing for her, to go quickly and before the pain becomes unbearable.

So if I'm not my normal cheery self, that's why. I need to process all this weighty stuff and hopefully get some answers. Thanks for being my sounding board.

A little funny for ya ...

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking for work."

Life on the Beach

It is now Day Eighteen on the Beach. The South Beach Diet, that is. I'm sort of embarrassed to admit that I'm on the South Beach Diet, more because I have an innate fear and distrust of the word DIET. But my doctor put me on the Beach due to my insulin resistance and I must say, life on the beach is good.

I am no longer up for the part of Ali the Beached Whale because the bloat is gone from my bod.

I am no longer being considered for the title of Ali the Drive Thru Queen because my love affair with fat has come to an end.

I AM however, a LOSER of the most wonderful kind ... my poor old bod has finally begun to loosen it's death grip (and I mean that literally) on my fat and has begun to spend it, albeit thriftily. I have now lost four whole pounds. Don't laugh! Four pounds of fat lost is worth it's weight in gold, my friend. Especially after six weeks of Weight Watchers and not a single pound lost, these four pounds prove *gasp* that the doctor was right.

Insulin was the culprit of my baleful bloating. Insulin the cause of my inexplicable fast food cravings. Bad insulin, bad!

I am now a happy Good Carb kind o' gal. My body is breathing easier and so am I, knowing I have dodged a bullet and life, like I said, on the Beach ain't so bad. I'll be here for, well, forever, according to the doc, so it's a good thing I like it! Come on down and visit me some time ... the weather's fine.

The Problem With Me ...

One day, when I was about 17, I was riding in my boyfriends' convertible with a girl I thought was my best friend at the time, Tracey. We stopped at the curb for a minute so I could run to the ATM. When I hopped back into the car, Tracey said from the back seat

“You know the problem with you is Sandi? (remember, I have many names, this was mine at the time)”

“Umm, no?”

“If you could just be like this while you're with your friends, everyone would like you a lot better.”

“What do you mean, like this?”

“When you're with Mark (boyfriend) you seem more like yourself, you seem comfortable. But when you're with us, you seem like ... well, like you're trying too hard.”

“Oh. Umm, well. Mark knows me really well so it's easy to be myself.” (we'd been dating for over a year at this point, I think).

“See, the problem with you is ...” Did I ask for her to tell me what my problem was?

“You're like a big smörgåsbord. Everything's just right there. But most people don't like smörgåsbords, they want their meal served to them in courses, one dish at a time.” She sat back, very pleased with herself and her fancy analogy.

I just sat there, stunned. I was a smörgåsbord?

I've thought a lot about that conversation over the years. I think I might have pushed Tracey away after that. I mean, I was a smörgåsbord, after all and she wanted her friendship served up one tidbit at a time. Well not me, mister. Nosiree.

I have since come to think that Tracey did me a favor that day. Her analogy is actually quite a good one for a person like me. Because, you see, she is absolutely right. I AM like a smörgåsbord. Who I am is right here for the whole world to see. All my love, all my virtues and my vices, are right here, prime for the picking. And you know? I prefer it that way. I want you to know who I am. But here's the thing: I want to know who YOU are too. I'm not one for playing games. Don't hide from me or serve me up one dish at a time. Just lay it all out on the line. I can promise you, I'll take the good and leave the bad; I'd expect you to do the same.

Lately, I've had this discussion with several friends. There are many smörgåsbord people out there, but we think we are alone. We see ourselves as decent, good people, capable of being great friends, but we count few people as true friends. The reason? More to do with our own perception of being unworthy or unliked in general, rather than anything specific. I think the reason we smörgåsbord types tend to feel that way is because when people only serve us one little dish at a time of themselves, we suspect that they are withholding something (which they are, by nature). But to us it feels suspicious. Why are they withholding from us? What is it that I lack that would make them feel they can't trust me with the whole meal?

So there are a bunch of smörgåsbord types out there feeling lonely, feeling unworthy of good friendships, wondering why they've only managed to get one or two great friends in their life. I would hazard a guess that those one or two total and complete friendships (because a smörgåsbord gal would accept nothing less than she gives) far outweigh in value and loyalty the handfuls of one-dish-at-a-time friendships out there.

As I've gotten older I've accepted the one-dishers as my friends. I love them. But, the friendships I cherish, that I hold close to my heart, always have always will, are fellow smorgasobrgs, like me.

So thanks Tracey. Thanks for helping me to see what my problem was. I think I like myself just the way I am.

Who do you love? *note: Eclipse Spoilers*

Edward or Jacob?

That's what my 14 year old babysitter asked me the other day when I picked her up to sit for us and I told her I was reading Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer. Don't know how the Twilight series has effected the girls in your neck of the woods, but here, they are gaga for it. My YW President, Wendy and I decided we'd have to read the books so we would have half a clue what they were talking about.

And now? I'm hooked.

I will also admit, right up front, that I'm mildly jealous of Stephanie Meyer, but I am NOT coveting. I swear. I think there's a difference between wishing it were me TOO not me INSTEAD, right? Please don't hate me.

So, the burning question is, who do you think Bella should be with? Edward or Jacob? Who do you love? My sitter asked me and I said I liked Jacob. But that was the WRONG answer! Silly me! So in my defense I asked who SHE loved:

"Edward of course!" she gushed.

"Why?"

"Because I'm a teenage girl and he's beautiful!" She sort of whined her answer but with an adorable turn of her head and sweet blush that made it all okay.

I love Jacob's passion and fun, his sense of adventure and, well, his humanness ... albeit somewhat imperfect humanness given he's a werewolf and all. BUT I do probably really love Edward best. There's no doubt in my mind that I want Edward and Bella together forever. I want her to be bitten, to be changed, and to live happily ever after with Edward - NOT to make Bella happy, but to make Edward happy. I love him that much that I want him to have the woman that makes him happy ... even if that woman is not me.

I also wish and hope that in Book Four of the Twilight series Jacob finds the girl he can 'imprint' on so he can have his heart mended and made whole again. He deserves it. Poor wolfy boy.

So inquiring minds want to know ... Who do you love best?

Gone Fishin'

A while back one of my friends (and I'm wracking my brain to remember who ... I'm sorry I can't remember!) wrote this great blog about how ideas are just ... AHA I JUST REMEMBERED!! IT WAS JOSI I THINK! ... swimming around the universe just waiting to be caught. Like fish. Except the fish have twins or quadruplets or sextuplets or something and maybe the SAME fish can be caught by different people. The *trick* is, who will use the idea best/first/more publicly. And maybe more, I dunno.

So I'm sitting down to watch a show on t.v. tonight. Hubby's dental surgery was today (it went great! But with his heart condition and blood thinner stuff and just stuff and stuff it was a long and tiring day) and I just wanted to V-E-G in front of the t.v. I had TiVo'd a few new shows and I like to watch them up front so I know if it's a waste of space on my DVR to have them recording each week if they're no good. I got out my journal ready to write about my last few days (because I haven't been writing in case you hadn't caught on to that general theme I was moaning about the other day) and turned on the new show Reaper.

Seriously, I wrote the date and part of one line before I had to put the pen and book away because journal-writing just wasn't going to happen today. I was too busy either watching the show with my mouth hanging open or laughing out loud. And not the internet version of LOL but literally laughing out loud. The show was funny!

What the show also was contributed to my mouth hanging open. Do remember the interactive story contest entry "The Jailer"? Well I wrote that one and my intent was to make him a bounty hunter that was in charge of collecting bad souls and sending them to hell. Mild mannered accountant by day, Grim Reaper by night (or day, depending on when he was needed - just like Superman). I had intended the story, had it been picked, to be funny and entertaining as well as adventure-filled and exciting. JUST LIKE THIS SHOW!!!

Just boggles the mind.

I'm also writing a book called The Devils' Daughter in which the literal daughter of Satan wants nothing more than to be good. The similarities between this new show Reaper, my short story excerpt thingy and the book I'm writing are just well ... freakishly weird.

Guess we all caught a clone or something of the same fish, just THEY fried theirs up sooner than I did. Very interesting. Don't ya think?

BTW, Reaper was very entertaining - definitely NOT getting nuked from my TiVo list just yet. :)