Thursday, December 29, 2005

A New Me

So, a little bird told me that she's been checking my blog and spank me but I haven't been writing anything! Who knew anyone was even reading this stuff! So just for her, and for my own sanity, here I sit with "pen to paper" ready to pour out my heart and soul to someone in particular.
I have entered the "working world". This is a very strange place to be. I feel like I've been divided up into too many ME's to properly manage.
There's the WIFE-me.The MOM-me.The PHOTOGRAPHER-me.The SINGER-me.The WRITER-me.and now (drum-roll please ....)The EMPLOYED-me.
How can I possibly wear all these hats?
I think I'm doing okay on the wife front. So check on that. But I know I have not been doing okay on the mommy front. I've been short with the boys, short fuse, no patience, not eager to spend much time with them. Poor babies. They need their mommy. I need to BE their Mommy. I miss it and I can't find the feelings.
I've been working like a crazy woman trying to update my photography site. A total revamp. It's not perfect, but it's ready to be published today but I'm moving it to a new url so it'll take a bit more time. I'm happy with it and while it's "fancier" than before, it will be easier to update I think. I have a couple jobs coming up but had to turn down a chance to shoot a wedding in Nauvoo which really bummed me out. The risk was terrifying (flying in the day before, scoping out photo-ops/vignettes, no assistant, few of my "tools of the trade" like lights and stuff), but the opportunity would have been amazing (rep in new place, this would have been a BIG wedding so lots of new connections for me, awesome for my portfolio to feature some "away" places). But alas I had to turn it down due to a family conflict (it was over the New Year holiday). Bummer :( At least I do have a few jobs coming down the pike to keep me busy and help me spread my wings more.
I am totally sucking at the WRITER job. I was feeling so excited and hopeful ... BEFORE. Before I got this new job, that is. I've finished the edits on my first draft so am ready to re-write/enter in the edits thereby making my SECOND draft. There were parts in the middle of my manuscript that I thougth "who wrote this crap? wow, I really do SUCK!!!", but then at the end of the book I was in tears and was just so touched and moved by what I'd written that I was thinking "holy cats this is GOOD! I wrote THIS??? yay for me!". But now I've done no writing whatsoever for a couple weeks. Sad. I have several other books waiting in the wings just waiting to be written ... I've GOT to get writing! But who can find the time!
And, and, and! I made some contacts in the music world last week! I was offered a chance to do a 45 minute recital next spring/summer up in Logan. And a chance to get connected with the opera people up in Logan and Ogden. Very cool. GOT to find the time for some practice and stuff though. Time? PAH!!!
I had envisioned back-to-school to be the mecca of personal expression. I would work on promoting my photography business. I would dedicate whole mornings to writing - I would BE a writer. I would practice my singing every day. I would be so personally fulfilled by the end of the morning I would have tons of love and attention to give to my sweet little boys when they got home from school.
But then nasty reality reared his ugly head and proved that I needed to go get a job. Thankfully an awesome job fell into my lap that will allow my to work from home, earn a decent pay, selling and servicing a product I can believe in and get behind. Only it means I have to throw all my balls into the air at once and see if I can snatch them all OUT of the air again, trying not to drop any. How can I do it? Somethings got to give but I'm not sure I can give up anything. How can I deny who I am? What IS me? I AM all these things. See, I didn't list scrapbooking or quilting or crocheting or whatever - all of which I love to do too - I only listed those things that are DEFINING. I AM ... things. I find I AM really fighting the WORKING definition.
I told David if I can't figure out a way to be a nice mom, then I'll be quitting this new job. Whatever else, the boys deserve a loving, good mom, not a stressed out mom. But I do hope I CAN make it work because money is stressful in a different sort of way. The lack of money makes me an unhappy girl which has it's only ripple effect. So, I do hope I can make it work.
Time to work on the second step in my Recovering Perfectionist program, which I think should be "SOMETHIN'S GOTTA GO". Trick is, what's gotta go? Thoughts to chew on till I can write again!