Friday, May 29, 2009

Free Spirit

I used to think I was a rebel, and therefore that I was bad.

I've always hated conforming to arbitrary standards--whether they were imposed on me by my mother, by school, by jobs. Believing that I was a rebel translated to believing I was bad.

What was wrong with me, that I wasn't satisfied doing what was expected of me?

Sometimes not conforming has meant going above and beyond expectations, but most often it has meant marching to the beat of my own drummer or taking the road less travelled.

It also means that I often have to travel with a machete because the road is troubled with brambles and thorns. It's not easy to travel that road.

So much easier to follow the crowd, go along to get along, be one among the many.

But I guess that's just not me.

I used to think I didn't know who I was--and honestly, I'm still working on that. But as I hang around with more writer types I discover I'm less an island than I thought. Writer types get me. Writer types are like me. This is an amazing realization for me, because I've never felt so accepted by a group of people before. It's also a little scary because I'm not usually a group person. I fly solo. Typically.

So in the framework of this discovery, I've learned that it's not just about being a rebel. It's more like being a free spirit.

I don't rebel because I don't want to conform. I rebel because I have a spirit that yearns to be free of customary restraints. I need to be free to go where my spirit takes me. I am not bad, I am me

I don't always know who I am, because I am constantly in flux. I don't have a particular style that defines me because I, by my very nature, am indefinable. I am simply me--happy, whimsical, determined, a bit nuts, special, unique. 

I am not a rebel, to be contained and reformed. I am a free spirit and I am meant to soar.