Be My Journal

I'm way too exhausted tonight to write in my journal. But there were precious moments from today that I want to remember so here they go.

Today was a beautiful and sweet day - Mom's funeral - but I found it very, very hard. The boys were being typical little boys, really fine with the whole thing and not really connecting. I asked the boys if they wanted to go say goodbye to Gramma, and they said yes. But when we started to go up there and they caught a glimpse of her, Charlie broke down and Xander didn't want to go any further.

Instead I took them to the couch, where Charlie climbed up onto my lap. Xan was really fine, or at least acted fine. In fact, he said he was concentrating on being happy because that was what Gramma wanted. He said he felt sad, but he was choosing to be happy instead.

Charlie, on the other hand, just couldn't stay the flood of tears that burst through his dam, and in the face of his emotion, neither could I. So we cried together today a LOT.

During the program, Aleta's (David's sister) girls Melissa, Amy and Emily performed "I Am a Child of God." Charlie said "I remember when Gramma sang that with me," and the tears started again. He also said he knew she would like them playing that for her. I think he might have felt bad that he wasn't doing something for her, because later, when we sang the closing hymn he said "I'm going to sing, for Gramma."

Now, you've got to know that Charlie does not like to sing. Correction: He only likes to sing goofy songs he makes up. He doesn't sing in Primary or anything, in fact he said during the last Primary Program that "I love Jesus, I just don't like to sing!"

So when I heard the sweet voice of my tender hearted boy singing "God be with you till meet again," it was about all I could bear. He cried, I cried.

Tonight when I was tucking Charlie in, he prayed that God would take good care of Gramma and especially bless his Grampa and his Daddy that they wouldn't be too sad. Then he asked about if she could see us or anything, because he thought he felt her. I was so happy to tell him about the veil and how she would always be watching over us and if he thought he felt her, then she was probably there. Which of course made him cry more, but it made him feel so loved and happy that maybe she had come to tell him goodnight.

Anyway, kind of personal tonight, there's no need to comment. I just didn't want to forget all this and it would have taken me forever to write it all out longhand! So thanks for letting me share :)