Happy Birthday Sam!

Today is Sam's thirteenth birthday; he is a young man now, poised on the brink of his life. I haven't seen him in three and a half years and my heart aches to see the young man he has become.

I'm writing this here, because there is no guarantee, despite his foster mom's wonderful care and concern for him, that he'll ever read the letters we send to him there. At least here, should he ever google us, he might find my notes to him here and know that he was/is/and ever will be loved.

Sam had the most amazing spirit of anyone I've known. He had a core of goodness in him and you knew his great gift from God was his ability to love and to truly care about other people. And so it's not a big surprise that it was exactly those virtues that Satan strove to turn into his greatest vice.

But I don't want to dwell on the negative, I want to celebrate my boy, my first boy, my cherished and loved one.

Sam was a true gift from God to David and I. A real miracle. We felt it, the moment he was born ... we'd thought maybe he'd be born to us, for we'd seen him in dreams for years, but we knew when his time was coming and when he was born we both just knew. We started looking for him immediately. It took us three and a half years and a change of cities to find him, but when we did, again, we knew; this was OUR boy.

Even though he has not been able to live with us these past few years, and he has not wanted to talk to us in so long, we love him still. We hear he is growing into a capable young man, giving and receiving love for the first time in his short life. He plays the guitar and I wish I could listen to some Stan Rogers with him and have a mother/son bonding moment.

I want to throw my arms around him and hug him tight. I want to look into his blue, blue eyes and see my love reflecting back at me. I want to hear him play the guitar and sing along. I guess I just really want my son back. I want him to know how much I love and miss him.

One day, if he ever reads this, if he ever questions or wonders why, I hope he understands what the answer to all of his questions has always been; because I love him.