Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Question of Homeschooling

Before I had children I believed I would be a homeschooling mom. Long before my children came I believed with all my heart that my job as a mom was to RAISE my children, and then included ensuring they had the possible education - FOR THEM. I did not believe children could be served personally in a public school ... not that public schools are bad, but that the individual child often gets lost in the shuffle.

I did homeschool our oldest son, Sam, for about a year and it was horrible. But, then again, Sam had reactive attachment disorder which is like a combination of oppositional defiance disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder rolled up with a super hefty lack of conscience. No wonder homeschooling didn't work.

With my twins, I again planned to homeschool them, but when push came to shove I found I was not up to the task. Xander excelled and took to it easily (this was just as little preschoolers) but Charlie wouldn't do anything - or try anything - if Xan had already tried it and done well at it. I tried having Charlie go first, but his thing is he doesn't want to try something unless he knows he can do it PERFECTLY well. Since he can't know that, he doesn't try. So I sent them to public school.

Well, now I'm revisiting the homeschool issue. I feel that both my boys are not living up to their full potential in school. It's not that I think they should be doing better in school it's something else, something less tangible. I feel that the things that made them special - their lights - are going out. I feel like school is making them NORMAL. Call me insane, bizarre or totally off my rocker, but I'd bet there's some moms out there who totally get what I'm saying.

I've talked to the boys about the possibility of homeschooling and they are hesitant about it, but generally agreeable. I'm not too worried about curriculum or such because I think there enough resources available to me and I'm still plugged in to the support groups that I'd joined way back when. I know who to call if I need help! BUT what does worry me is ... well ... ME.

Here's my thing: I am not particularly the most patient person around. I'm not horrible, but not great, either. I do enjoy my boys going to school so I can clean the house, run errands, work out, write, THINK, alone. I like being alone. I'm a bit (a bit, ha!) of a perfectionist and sort of like Charlie, if I can't do something perfectly I'm apt to not do it at all. I'm worried I would fail miserably at homeschooling. I'm worried my boys would be under my feet and I'd get mad at them. I'm worried that they would get bored - that I would get bored. I'm worried.

So, homeschooling moms out there ... will you please help me out? Please tell me what it's like - not the schooling part so much as the LIFESTYLE. What's it like for YOU? How do you cope? How do you keep your sanity? Your love for your children?

I really like the idea of homeschooling and think it could be a real answer - a real blessing - for us. I'm just well ... worried. Any words of wisdom?